The Art of Farting - A Funny Personal Narrative! - The Web Pamphlet

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Wednesday, 30 October 2019

The Art of Farting - A Funny Personal Narrative!

I fart, you fart, everyone farts! Fart is a natural gift given to all by nature. Farting comes with a huge relief to whoever it is that's relieved of it. It doesn't fail however, to come off as a strike to the nose of anyone who may be within its striking range. A fart can come off as a loud, most often, harmless 'missile', or sometimes, as a soft 'lethal' gas.

When I was younger, I used to think girls never fart - that they were perfect creatures crafted by nature. Uh-uh! Don't judge me! We all were once in that naive stage of life. I bet most guys can attest to that, especially those we had some kind of crush on.

A quick flashback to let's say - five years ago. I was at the mall, I had just finished eating beans, plantain and egg, before going shopping. I bet you know what a 'disastrous' combination a meal that was? Well, I felt the urgent call of nature. It was the soft 'lethal' gas type. You know, you can somehow tell the type it was, just before it's released to the world.

So, I quickly chose a suitable aisle, an aisle with no one on it. I released this fart, the seemingly silent one. The release lasted for like a few seconds. It was this type that came off like a chain reaction. I'd mastered the art of releasing this nature's call over time, so this wasn't going to be a thing to worry about. "Hmm...", I exhaled in relief, and smiled as I walked far away from my 'weapon of destruction' haha! I subsequently headed out of that aisle like a king.

Within seconds, an unlucky couple walked right into that aisle - I think it was the cosmetics section. The random fragrance from the cosmetics on the counter had nothing on the smell from my fart. It didn't take long before I heard multiple exhalations from them. "I think a rat died somewhere in this aisle", the man complained to one of the staff at the mall.

I turned back with immediate effect and joined them in complaining about the said 'dead rat'. The 'dead rat' that oozed with smell on the cosmetics aisle. It was like a spell, I still can't understand my real motive for doing that. I told them that infact, the smell was too bad that I couldn't make up my mind on the body spray I was to buy - such evil! Haha!

As the conversation went on, I lost it to an uncontrollable laughter. They all turned and stared at me with so much confusion. They couldn't understand why I was laughing that much. The staff asked me, "oga is everything alright, this one you're laughing like this"? At that moment, I did what I couldn't believe I'd ever be able to do - what many humans never have the balls to do. I looked them all eyeballs to eyeballs and told them that I actually farted on that aisle - that infact, they've been inhaling my fart for the past few minutes.

At that point, they'd understood what brought about the hysterical laughter. They all dispersed with an apparent disgust. They couldn't get their eyes off me all through my shopping at that mall. I bet they probably were wondering how a human being could produce a fart with that much concentration - and with so much bravery.

Nevertheless, each time my eyes met with one of the trio while still in the mall - I made sure to give them a lovely smile - while they wouldn't hesitate to look elsewhere with disgust.

Just to give you a heads up, I was relieved of the loud harmless 'missile' kind of fart while writing this article. Haha! Fart. Get yourself relieved of that natural burden whenever you feel like it, but make sure not to be a burden to someone else's nose while at it.

Farts can be suppressed if you don't feel like it - unlike diarrhea stool that can not be suppressed. That one is the boss of them all! Well, that sounds like a topic for another day.

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